How Do We Transcend Ourselves?

photo credit: Thomas Loyd Qualls

One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead. – Oscar Wilde

This quote from Wilde has haunted me most of my adult life. Along with Thoreau’s line: The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. I’ve been determined to live my real life and to not join the masses in quiet desperation. But as John Lennon sang, Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. And so, for as long as I can remember, I have mostly not been living the life of my dreams.

There have been moments. Maybe even months where it seemed like I might’ve pulled it off. But then I would be pulled back into some version of not quite my real life or not at all my real life. I have a strong anti-authority streak that I thought would help me to not fall into a living the wrong life trap. But it could be that streak was also one of the stumbling blocks on the path. It is somewhat impossible to say. Like the line in The Unbearable Lightness of Being: Life's so light. Like an outline... We cannot completely identify why our lives went the way they did any more than we can live two lives at once and compare them.

Most of you reading this know I’ve had a dynamic last two years. I came to the fork in the road, and then took it, as Yogi Berra instructed us to do. And I kept coming to forks. And kept taking them. When all was said and done, my external world bore almost no resemblance to the one before. Different house, different job, different car, different bank, different clothes… right down to different pots and pans and kitchen utensils. I was sifting all kinds of other life possibilities at the same time, including maybe living overseas.

And I know what you’re thinking, but I was doing internal work, as well. Because I knew that just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic would not be enough. Therapy and new journal practices and a return to creative writing, included. Along with my very best efforts at manifesting old dreams about what my real life would look like.

Along the way, I started going through old journals. Found a few interesting surprises, and any number of things I did not remember happening. But also, some troubling themes and demons I’ve wrestled my whole adult life. All of which lead to the questions behind this piece of writing. How do we transcend ourselves? How do we actually change our lives? Is it even possible?

Walt Whitman said, I Contain Multitudes. I think somewhere in that statement is the answer. We are never one thing, one person, one personality, one win or loss, one friend, one lover, one job, one aspiration. We are dreamers and doers. We are happy and sad. We are lost and found. We are elated and depressed. We are competent and incompetent. We are confident and unsure of ourselves. We are on track and directionless. All of these and more.

photo credit: Thomas Lloyd Qualls

So maybe one problem with living something we think of as our real life that we can’t quite inhabit is that we are not singular beings. And we do not live in a vacuum. There are other people, events, and universal designs at play.

As I noted in the last piece, there is also something to the fact that when we want something too much, we have a tendency to push it away. We can magnetically repel it or we can deprive it of the oxygen it needs to thrive, to come into full being.

Also, sometimes things change all at once, and sometimes it takes more time. Years or decades. Patience, presence, gratitude. Appreciating where we are and the distance we have travelled. I was asked in an interview recently that if my younger self could see me now, what would surprise them and what would disappoint them. I answered that I think my younger self would be surprised that I have a respectable job, that I have published three books, and that I am not incarcerated. That same self might also be disappointed by the first point.

I will continue to hold what I see as my real life gently. And to do my best to live a life that is deserving of that utopian dream. To stay aligned and awake. And lighthearted. That may be the most important thing. I know Wilde would appreciate that. Pay attention, understand life can be absurd, keep your sense of humor. Understand that you are far from the only one who hasn’t achieved this perfection in your life. And also, not always, but very often, when people get what they think they want, it isn’t what they thought. So maybe be easier on yourself. And just keep showing up. Keep being as kind as you can. And keep walking in the direction of your dreams.

.

.